Everyday Can't Be Sunny

I was in a downward spiral today. My morning started off with my husband showering me with affection, which is the best way to start one's day, but then I tripped a wire that led to a troubling chain of events. Some people may find me relentlessly insensitive when I have an emotional wound that is healing. Even though I may outwardly be enjoying myself and in high spirits, thoughts relating to that wound constantly play on repeat on the back of my mind. I can't help it, it's almost like a defense mechanism to counter the human tendency to want to forget painful things that happen to us because civility and laughter is a lot easier to deal with than facing problems head on. In my experience avoiding problems is detrimental to my relationship with my husband. He is quite comfortable in his habits, both the benevolent and the not-so-nice ones. He is at his best in an environment of consistency. Consistent positive recognition, rewarding, and appreciation of his good deeds. Consistent and constructive zero tolerance of his not-so-nice ones, which are quite infrequent, but still seeds that do not need to be sown in any marriage I'm a part of.

I'll be the first to admit that his trespass against me that inflicted the unseen wound is minor in the grand scheme of things. It could be worse, but in any healthy relationship your partner should not want to hurt you in any degree. This is where communication is key because many times we as people hurt one another without realizing that our actions are hurtful. I've already fired my warning shot, but sometimes my anger boils up and I can become a loose canon. It always catches him by surprise how quickly my mood can change and he is not a patient person. So our rift today is centered around my inability at the moment to forgive him and his poor patience with my healing process (which all in all he'll just have to suck it up and deal with it, but it's not fun.) He's always been very forgiving with me, and moves forward very easily. I on the other hand dwell on problems and linger on their issues. I'm a more cautious creature and extremely protective of my feelings. Like my scientific career, I keep a mental catalog of the experiences I have with people and although they may cease to be spoken about in current daily activities, they are never erased or obliterated. People always say you should forgive and forget, but for me forgiveness is difficult and forgetting is near impossible.

The good thing is that my husband and I rarely argue, but like any normal couple we have our ugly moments. My house is so big that it is easy to avoid him and feel completely alone when I need my space. I was content leaving the tension between us like a lingering stifling stench in the house. Eventually the silence began the smolder me so I left abruptly to run last minute holiday errands. Then our silence began to starve my ego. I have every right to be angry, but two wrongs don't make a right. I've been married for 4 months and I've learned that it's not about being right because we are on the same team. My husband tried to scurry past on a bathroom run, but I decided to break the silence, which stopped him in his tracks. After a few moments of actually talking about our feelings and the situation we both realized that most of our day wasted in silence, passive aggression, negativity, and anger when simple communication was the medication we needed.

It's Christmas Eve and we both are hosting a party at our home tonight in a few hours. We are absolutely not ready to entertain any guests at the moment. My husband is eager to help me clean up and get the ingredients we need for our holiday cocktails so I'm sure this night will be full of holiday cheer and a memorable one indeed! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and if you have any advice or stories you'd like to share on conflict and forgiveness in marriage, please leave it in the comments!

Until Next Time!

Love ViVi